INLAND EMPIRE

"That was some fucked-up shit!"

That was the memorable, if coarse, one-sentence review of my friend, Goldie Heidi Gider, upon exiting a screening of "Memento" in Dupont Circle. I can only hope that Goldie never, EVER sees David Lynch's "Inland Empire" -- a film that will leave even die-hard fans of "Mulholland Drive" (like myself) 'puzzled,' if not totally 'f**ed-up. '

Make no mistake: "Inland Emprie" will "F*** You Up." The movie starts off promisingly enough: with a scene involving not one, but two "Seinfeld" alums -- Susan's mother, Mrs. Ross (affecting a thick Russian accent) and Mr. Pitt (!). But then it spends WAAY too much time setting up the premise: Laura Dern's actress character, Nikki, begins to shoot a movie with Justin Theroux and directed by Jeremy Irons (who, like a true British thespian, attacks his role like he's in a movie where it matters that he create a believable character -- bless his heart!). And he's working with a film crew that totals, by my count, four! Four people making a Hollywood studio release in a studio without lights? That's the most f-ed up part of this movie!

This section -- the first, interminable hour -- is dreadful: poorly, and cheaply, shot, without any of Lynch's trademark music score, and undone by the black hole of Harry Dean Stanton's "acting." I put that term in quotes because, if this man EVER had any acting talent (I still need to be convinced) he has most-certainly lost it in the intervening 20 years since he has appeared in anything of import. The man sucks the life out of every scene he is in!

But the main problem with this movie is Lynch's insistence on using that oh-so-hip new invention -- 'digital video.' Someone please tell me what the advantage is of being able to shoot out-of-focus close-ups of the individual beads of sweat on the pockmarked face of a character actor?? This is progress? Digital video makes even the lovely British actress Julia Ormond look homely!

Yet Lynch has declared this is the ONLY medium he will use from now on. I guess that means this is the last David Lynch film I will ever see -- unless he decides to make "Mulholland Drive 2."

The story is basically this: while shooting the 'remake' of a Polish movie that was abandoned after the two leads were murdered, Nikki has a fling with her co-star, spies on her jealous husband (also Polish), gets trapped in a parallel universe, travels in and out of portals (or 'wormholes,' for the sci-fi inclined) that represent her subconscious (the 'Inland Empire' of the title), where the incidents surrounding the earlier Polish film seem eerily familiar, and eventually trades places with the young girl who's been watching the whole story unfold on her TV. (And that's just the part I understood!)

Of course, I could be totally wrong about all of this -- the Inland Empire could be somewhere in Poland, I'll have to check my atlas -- but it doesn't really matter. In fact, you could come and go at any point during the film, and you would not gain (or lose) any understanding whatsoever. I had to smile when Lynch subtitled the Polish actor's dialogue: what's the point, when nothing they say makes sense in any language? The scenes in Poland actually have a more professional look, making me wish we were watching the filming of THAT movie, instead.

The movie picks up when Nikki gets trapped in a house nicely appointed with Fifties-era furniture, no doubt bought at the "Blue Velvet" garage sale. It is also nicely appointed with young, hot babes -- a halfway house for jilted exes of Justin Theroux's character (or not). They bring some life to this moribund tale: dancing to 'The Lo-co-motion;' showing each other their breasts....it's all good stuff. But soon, Nikki gets trapped in a Southern, white-trash existence, with that same Polish husband, where she gets a house call from -- who else? -- Mary Steenbergen! At this point, I would not have been surprised had she brought Ted Danson with her, wearing a giant rabbit head!

I haven't mentioned the giant talking rabbits, have I? I actually looked forward to seeing these three, dressed in human clothes, on a stage delivering their lines to an appreciative (if easily amused) audience. You know you are watching a BAD David Lynch film when you want to see more of the talking rabbits!

And I haven't even gotten to the WEIRD part! That comes at about the 2-hour, 40-minute mark, when any sane moviegoer with a sense of the preciousness of time would have walked out of the theater. It starts when Nikki walks through another sinister-looking hallway (will she ever learn?) and shoots a guy who we've seen earlier with a light bulb stuck in his mouth.

All credit goes to the fearlessness of Laura Dern--Lynch doesn't ask her to give a performance as much as perform a series of acting exercises (playing a white trash Southerner in one scene, an abused hooker in another, and at the film's climax, vomiting and bleeding to death on the dirty streets of Hollywood & Vine after being stabbed in the stomach with a screwdriver by 'Sabrina' (Ms. Ormond). I guarantee there is no acting school in the world that has taught that scene! FYI: That scene turns out to be part of Jeremy Iron's movie (remember him?), so I'm not spoiling anything. The aforementioned babes turn up as hookers on the same street.

The film ties together nicely at the end...strange for a movie that is complete nonsense for its 179 minute running time, and there is a "sweet" payoff in the last scene that is a must-see for you 'Mulholland' fans: a scene so cheeky and self-referential (involving, as far as I can tell, actors from previous Lynch films, including Natassja Kinski, the lovely Laura Elena Harring, and a babe with a prosthetic leg ... they seem to be everywhere these days, don't they?) that blows away the much-discussed final shot in "The Departed." The final credits reveal that Naomi Watts contributed a 'special vocal performance'... one of the talking rabbits, I suspect... and include a fun, energetic music video, as well (out-of-focus, naturally) that makes you wish the rest of the film had at least half of that spirit and inventiveness.

It speaks to the power of Lynch's vision that the five minutes of brilliance contained in this movie had me exiting the theater -- 'Back to Planet Earth' as one patron said -- thinking "I'm glad I saw that." Now, that is truly fucked-up!!